Chapter 102 - I Can Break My Fall

It was night one of a two night stint in London and Jon knows that he needs to call Beth.  Show was over and he feels like something is missing.  They can't maintain anything through text messages, but they're both pretty pissed off at each other and really don't know why.  

Other than the fact that they both are hurting and they always take it out on each other.  Well, this time it's a little different.  

The night that he stood in his kitchen and watched Dorothea smirk about discarding breast milk, he took a moment and reflected on the past.  Beth and him have been through hell.  It is always one obstacle after the other, one heart break would end just to be followed by another.  They would feel like they finally had their head above water and then something would pull them down again.  That night as he talked to Beth, he realized what she was saying, the the good did not outweigh the bad.  The bad was far too bad and the good not good enough.  Maybe together they created the negative affect, maybe two positives do make a negative.  He knows that he is scared that his life will be riddled with nothing but long periods of sadness, and maybe a hint of happiness.  He loves her, like he's loved no other, but he doesn't want to go through any more.  His heart can't take it.  He knows what he has to do.

In New Jersey, Beth is seeing things a little differently than what Jon is.  She was on her lunch break, surfing the internet for shoes when she got text message from Stephanie.  

"Hi.  Are you in the city?"

"I am.  I'm at my office.  What's up?"

"Can you take me to get a dress for the Grammy's?  My mom won't because she doesn't want me to go."

"What does dad say?"

"He just said to get a dress."

"I can take you.  Come here and we'll go from here."

"Okay, thanks.  See you soon."

Beth forgot all about the Grammy's.  She's thinking now that she has nothing to wear herself, so her and Steph will hit the stores and grab a bite to eat.  It's pretty well known that Beth doesn't like designers gifting her dresses and stuff, for her that was too much pressure.  She always went and bought what she needed.  She's trying to remember what tuxedo that Jon prefers, that helps her decide what sh'es going to wear.  She's pretty sure it's a black one, although she loves him in his blue one.  It makes his eyes pop.  With her phone still in her hand, she finds his contact and sends him a message.  

"Blue or Black"

A few minutes later, he responds with, "Blue or black what?"

"Tuxedo"

"For what event?"

"The Grammy's."

"I don't think we should go."

"Why not?  I'm taking Rose to get a dress today."  

He totally forgot about the awards show.  He hated going to those things and only goes because it's part of his job. This year he told the kids that he would take them, after all they had been through, it's a kids dream to attend an event like the Grammy's - even if you already know everybody there.  He's trapped, he can't tell her anything over the phone.  She deserves better than that, but he can't have her believing that everything is okay.  It doesn't resemble anything remotely close to okay. "I'll call you tomorrow, I'm pretty beat."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you." was all he could type.  He truly loves her, everything about her except that cloud of doom that they have had over their heads.  He can't live like that anymore.  He can't allow her to live like this anymore.  They both deserved better and together they seem to get the worst.  Time heals all wounds he believes and if he tells her soon, maybe when Dani's trial is over they both can be on the road to recovery, leaving the past behind them.  He knows one thing is for sure, he loves her more than he has or ever will love another and he wants nothing but for her to be happy.

Beth and Stephanie hit 5th Avenue and have a great afternoon/evening.  They both found exactly what they were looking for and when they finished with shopping, they grabbed a bite at the Hard Rock in Times Square.  They managed to get a table out of the way and were able to have a peaceful dinner.  No one noticed who they were, or they didn't care cause it was just Beth and Stephanie - regardless, they had some great girl time.  Beth needed it.  In one swoop she has lost a friend, a baby and a boyfriend.

"Are you and dad breaking up?" Stephanie flat out asks Beth, causing Beth to inhale her water, chocking a little bit.

"Why do you ask?  No, we're not breaking up."  Beth looked at Stephanie and needed to know what she was thinking. 

"I heard my mom on the phone with dad and it just made me wonder."

"What did she say......never mind, don't answer that.  No we aren't breaking up."  Beth wanted to know what Stephanie was talking about, but she wasn't going to grill her.  Beth wasn't thrilled that Jon has talked to Dot, and they have yet to talk.  She takes 50% of the blame on that one.

"My mom is worried about you." Stephanie says looking over the rim of her glass, "And I think dad is too."

"About what?"

"How well you're doing.  I guess you shouldn't be doing so good."

"Let's change the subject, okay.  I don't mean to sound mean but I don't want to talk about your mom, your dad and what's gone one.  How are you doing?  When are you going back to school?" Beth says, meaning what she says.  She doesn't want to talk about all of her problems, laying them on Rose.

Stephanie smiles at Beth and says, "I'm actually going back tomorrow.  I'm pretty excited about it too."

"Good.  Good.  You need to get back, get back to normal."

They finished their dinner and headed out to the waiting car.  Beth drove Stephanie home and said their goodbyes.  It was late enough that Beth was able to get out and help her get her dress and accessories from the back of the car.  They hugged and said good bye.  "Stephanie looked at Beth and said, "I love you Beth."

Beth smiles and says with a hint of question, "I love you too Rose.  Call me."

"I will."

Stephanie walked in the building and Beth drove back to Red Bank.

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She takes her cell phone from her purse when she's in the house and settled for the night.  Finding Jon's contact, she calls him.  After 4 rings he answered.

"Hey."

"Did I wake you?"

"No, I've been up."

"Did you have breakfast yet?"

"I'm waiting for it now."

"How was your show last night?" she can hear that there is something going on.  She doesn't like the way it feels, no more dancing around the issue, "I really don't want to know how the show was, I imagine it was awesome - do you want to tell me what you're talking to Dot about?"

She can hear him sigh, "What do you mean?"

"I heard your talking to Dorothea, yet you couldn't call  me?"

"I didn't call her either, Beth.  She called me."

"What was so interesting about me that the two of you had to talk about?"  She pauses and he says nothing.  "Can you tell me why Stephanie asked me if we're breaking up?"

"You talked to Steph about it?"

"She asked me Jon.  What's going on?"  Beth starts to pace the master bedroom, "What's going on with you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you."

"What's going on with you?" he asks, sharply.

"Nothing is going on with me, you know that.  Or are you referring to the fact that I just lost another baby, this one at the hands of one of your ex lovers, that I drove you too?  Other than that, nothing is wrong with me, Jon."

"This is why I haven't called you.  I don't want to do this over the phone."

"Do what?" she demands to know, "Do what, Jon."

"Have this discussion."

"Why not?" she's cocky now, on the verge of exploding.  She can now see that what Stephanie asked may have had a little merit to it.

"Not now Beth." he replies, hoping he can convey his need for sympathy since he's so far away.

"Are you ending things?" she flat out asks, "Are we done?"

He says nothing, but she can hear that he's trying to rub the stress from his face.  "Please, let's do this later."

"Answer me."

"Beth!"

She's pissed and pacing at a rather fast pace, "Are you talking to Dorothea?"

"Of course, she's the mother to my children."  That hurt Beth.  She WAS the mother of three of his children.

"So because they're alive you call her, instead of me?"

"I can't do this, I can't do this anymore."

"DO WHAT?"

"Live in all this sadness.  I fear everyday that something else will happen.  I can't take it anymore.  I miss my boring and mundane life."

"You miss life with Dorothea."

"I miss the boring life that I had, the safe life that I had."

"Are you kidding me?" she asks.

"I can't put my kids through anymore heartache.  They lost three sisters and then we had all the other obstacles, Beth, I just can't do it."

"I'll be gone before you get home."

He's quiet for a moment and says, "And go where?"

"Well I can't go back to L.A. I had to sell that house, I sold my apartment in the city...........you know what, don't worry about it.  You go back to your safe and boring life and don't worry about me."  She presses end and ignores his one attempt to call her back.