Chapter 8 - Hearts Breaking Even?

He loves her like no other, because she is like no other.  She's hurt him the most and brought him some of the happiest times in his life, why is he having such a tough time talking to her about what happened? 

 

It's hard for him to see passed the bruises and the cut lip, he sees those and all he can see is red.  He wants this guy to pay for what he's done to her, to them and their family. 

 

"I'm going to go lay down."  Beth tells him when they get to cruising altitude and the seat belt light goes off.  "I'm a little tired."  As she walks by him, he reaches out and takes her hand, giving her a slight pull so she loses her balance and falls into his lap.  "Hey!" she plays with him.

 

"Do you want me to join you?" he asks her, and she knows damn well that he wants to join her, he just doesn't want to smother her.

 

"I think I'd like that." she smiles at him and kisses his lips.  "I'd really like that."  

 

They both lay down.  Beth still thinks it's silly to have a queen size bed on an airplane, but who is she to question it?  She was in her t-shirt and panties and Jon stripped all but his boxer briefs.  They laid there together, both looking at the ceiling.  After a few minutes of silence, Beth looks at him and says, "Ask me what ever you're thinking.  I can't stand the elephant in the room anymore."

 

"I don't have any questions." he tells her, but in a way that leaves her to question whether he has questions or not. 

 

"Then tell me what's on your mind?" she rolls onto her side and faces him.  "Tell me your thoughts."

 

He rolls on his side to face her, and admits "I'm still in a pretty dark place right now.  My thoughts aren't something that you want to hear, babe."  He takes her hand and kisses it.  "I look at you and all I want to do is kill that asshole, those bruises and that lip break my heart."  He kisses her hand again.

 

"Do you ever think you'll be able to look at me again and not see him?" she questions, she has to know.  Will he ever look at her the same, ever again?

 

Jon frowns at that question, but he can understand where it came from.  "Of course I will.  Why would you ask me that?"

 

"You have said nothing about this, other than the fact that you want him to pay for it." she pauses, "Are you sure you can get passed what's happened and love me for me, again.?"

 

He has to sit up, she has just touched a nerve and the Italian in him just sprang to life, "What's been done hasn't changed the way I feel about you, Beth.  I still love you - heart, mind, body and soul and I always will."

 

"When my nightmare ended and he left the house, my first thought was I wonder if Jon will ever touch me again, was that a silly thought to have?" she puts that out there, getting it out of the way.

 

"Babe, you know the answer to that."

 

"Do I?" she sits up and faces him, with her back leaning on the headboard/wall.  "Can you honestly tell me that you haven't thought about having sex with me again?"

 

"I can honestly tell you that I'm concerned that he's hurt you in a way that you won't want to have sex with me again." he takes a moment to regroup that thought, "I'm afraid to touch you now, for fear that I'll trigger a memory, or physically hurt you.  You are covered from head to toe with bumps and bruises."

 

"What do you think he did to me, Jon?"

 

"What do you mean?  I think he assaulted you, hurt you and I wasn't there to help you.  This is twice that I haven't been there for you when you needed me most."

 

"Whoa, wait a minute, back it up - you could not have prevented this, or the twins dying Jon.  Your geography had nothing to do with either."

 

"How can you say that?  If I would have come back here with you yesterday, things would be totally different now."

 

"True, but neither on of us could have predicted this."  She leans into him, "Please, please I beg you - don't beat yourself up over this.  Please!?!"  She leans in farther and they are now head to head, "And don't pull away from me like it feels like you're doing."

 

"I don't know how to act.  I don't know what to do or what to say."

 

"Just don't stop talking.  WE have been violated, it wasn't just me." she puts her hands in his lap and adds, "We have to talk about this.  I have to talk about this."

 

"Lay down." he tells her, kissing her forehead as he pushes her away; playfully. 

 

"Lay with me." she tells him as she lays down, putting her back to him so her can spoon her and hold her tight.  Taking the hint, he works his way in, uptight to her and holds her close.  They lay there for a few moments in silence, until Jon speaks up.

 

"What do you need me to do for you?" he whispers in her ear.  "I'll do whatever it takes."

 

She smiles and even though he can't see it, he can feel it.  "I just need you to be you and treat me like me."  She reaches over and opens the window shade.

 

"I'll do my best." he replies, kissing the back of her head.  They go quite again and Jon can tell that she's finally letting herself relax.  Her breathing gets slower.  He's thinking that she might be falling asleep, so he doesn't move a muscle. 

 

"He took a piece of me that I'll never get back."  And she stops.  "The fear that I felt and the terror he meant to put me through, I can't imagine having it done by a complete stranger.  I'm surprised he didn't give me a heart attack on the spot.  It was that scary."  She takes his hand and tucks it up under her chin, "I think knowing who he is makes it a little easier to process.  I have never been so scared in all of my life and when I try to make sense of it, I can't but I don't have the unknown.  I know who did it and why, does that make sense?" 

 

Not wanting to put any distance between them, he quietly says in her ear, "I had a thought similar to that.  I can't imagine, and I would never pretend to know how you feel - but I can see where there might be a little 'relief', for lack of a better work, knowing who it is."

 

"To some degree, I think that may be my saving grace."  she rolls onto her back.  "I never would have expected this from him, but I guess it's the quiet one's that you have to watch out for."

 

"There's no way you could have predicted this."

 

"How could I have been so fooled, so blind?  I should have know that Greece wasn't the last time that I'd see him.  If anything, I thought he may have called to give me something I left at his place or get something that he left at mine."

 

"You'll never have to see him again, now."

 

She looks at him, she knows that she'll have to see him again - he was going to jail for a very long time.  She would see to it, personally.

 

"I'm guessing to a certain degree I'm in shock and I'll have a flood of emotions about it later, but right now what I really feel is ashamed."

 

He looks at her puzzled, "What do you have to  be ashamed about?"

 

"Maybe it's not ashamed, I feel......................I don't know what I feel." she's getting frustrated not being able to put it into words.  "When I first seen him in the mirror and turned around, my first thought was that he was going to kill me." She takes a deep breath, "But when he hit me the first time and I fell on the counter my fear went right to rape.  I only had my robe on and when I tried to gain my bearings on the counter I could see it in his eyes." She can't look at Jon, she can't watch the emotion change on his face, she needed to keep talking.  "When he grabbed me and threw me on the bed, I begged him to stop and I begged him to leave." she wipes a tear from the corner of her eye and focuses on the sky that she sees out the airplane window.  "I tried to fight him off, I tried to get away, I really did."  Jon slides his hand over her belly and gently pulls her closer to him.  He knows not to say anything, she's in her zone and he needs to let he go on.  He just wanted her to know that he was there, and he was listening.   She wipes away a few more tears and looks at him, eye to eye, she continues with, "I went numb, I went to a safe place where I could hear nothing and feel nothing."  Her crying gets harder and he sees her heart break all over again, right before his eyes. 

 

It was his turn to wipe a tear away the tears, one from each cheek.  "Where did you go?" 

 

When she was able to talk, when she was able to catch her breath she tells him, "I was pushing Rowen on a swing and running with them in a field."  she gasps, "I was with my babies."  Her crying, which is typically true in many situations is contagious.  With those words, Jon couldn't help but cry with her.  He drops his head on her chest, speechless and thoughtless.  She took him out at the knees with that.  She was in the most tragic moment that she's ever been through and to deal with it, she goes to the one time in her life that she really wished that she was dead.  To deal with, and get through being assaulted she took herself to the girls....one heartbreak for another.