Chapter 40 - Don't Say No, Just Give In

 

 

After dinner, the family takes a walk down by the river and watches the sun go down. 

All were surprised that there weren't any fans on the river in kayak's or canoes - it was nice to be a family without the watchful eye of the crazed Bon Jovi fan.  Romeo ran and played, Jake and Jesse walked together and play fought while Stephanie walked with Jon and Beth, holding her daddy's hand. 

 

Looking at his family, Jon can't stop himself from bringing up the topic of having a baby.  It was a force that he couldn't fight, he needed to talk about it and he needed Beth to hear what he had to say, regarding the subject.  They stopped at a bench and sat down.  Stephanie wandered off with her brothers, leaving Jon and Beth alone.

 

Jon takes her hand and says, "Can we talk about having a baby?"  he knows that he is in shark infested water, but he didn't care.  He felt passionate about having a baby with her and he wasn't going to let the subject lie.  He loves her and he wants to have a baby with her, he needs to have a baby with her. "Babe, you know how I feel about you and how badly I want us to have a child of our own."  He pauses, looking at her, reading her face. 

 

Beth is not looking at him, she's in a blank stare watching the kids throw stones into the river and having fun. She hears what he says and responds with her selfish, yet well intended response.  "You have to know how much I love you and how much I would love to have a baby with you, my God that would be the ultimate expression of our love.  You are the love of my life and if giving you a baby was easy, I'd give you ten - but it's not easy.  We buried two beautiful little girls and that destroyed me, Jon.  I can still feel them move and then I flash to seeing them in their casket" her tears are rolling now and she sits on the bench next to Jon.  He  hooks her neck and pulls her to him and she melts into his arms, like she always does when he makes her feel better with just his touch.  "Losing them was so unreal that I still need to tell myself that it really happened."

Jon caresses her arms and just lets her know that he's there for her and he would listen, but he had to tell her, "When we buried them I think a big part of you was buried with them."

"With them I buried my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother.  I don't think you get how hard that was for me, how much that hurt me and how I would have traded places with them, in a heartbeat.  Jon, I buried my babies and didn't have an explanation as to what happened. I was so lost, so afraid and I even felt alone."

"I know how hard it was for you and I don't mean to minimize what we went through, babe, I just want us to have a baby.  Our baby.  I know that you are connected to Romy, but I know there has to be a little bit of a void there for you."

"Not one that needs to be filled Jon.  I love your children as if they are my own,  maybe more than I should due to the loss of the twins - regardless, they are my children even if there is no blood shared."

They are quiet for a moment and Jon breaks the silence again, "Beth, I was in that morgue with you and I held those beautiful babies.  I held their lifeless bodies in my hands and kissed their cold cheeks, noses and fingers.  I grieved too.  I lost too." his eyes well up with tears as Beth looks at him.  "I hurt too, you have to know that."  Saying the words he had only thought were too much for him.  He got up and walked away, right now he knows that he couldn't handle her telling him 'no' again.