Chapter 41 - When You Get To The Top, It's Hard To Look Down

 

"Babe, wait, don't walk away."  Beth says to Jon when she realizes what just happened.  She's taken back by his words and the dagger in her heart made it hard to breath.  She gets up and goes after him.  Reaching for his hand and grabbing it, she continues with, "Don't walk away."

 

"I don't want to hear you say no again."  he gives her a defeated look and that tugged at her heart strings just a little more.  "I can't take it."

 

She reaches up and wipes away a tear, her heart breaking seeing him like he is, "Do you see what you just did?"  She smiles at him.

 

"What?"

 

She leans in and kisses his lips, sliding her arms around his waist, "You just told me how you felt about it.  You opened that tough exterior and let me it."

 

"I'm pissed off." he tells her.

 

Not loosening her hold on him, "I know you are and that makes me happy, kind of.  You haven't said much about it, much about them other than you know how I feel."  she kisses his chin, her lips fitting perfectly in his dimple.  "Can we keep talking?" 

 

His arms slide around her and they stand there in each others arms, his head resting on hers.  "I don't know why this is so hard for me, why it's eating at me like it is, but I feel strongly about it, Beth.  I want to have a baby, with you."  With her ear planted firmly on his chest, she gets lost in the steady rhythm of his heart beat and half hears what he says.  She didn't need to hear his words, she was listening to his heart. 

 

"Honey, I understand how you feel.  I feel like that too."  She leans back and kind of chuckles, "I would love to have a baby with you, more than anything in the world - I'm just so terrified of having to deal with a loss again."

 

He holds her tight again, cupping the back of her head with his hand, kissing her forehead he says, "You don't think I fear that too?  I am scared that it will happen again, but I'm also scared of missing an opportunity for us to have a baby."

 

"Are you rushing things because of the scare that you had with Melissa?" Beth honestly asks him, wondering if that was a possibility.  He was beside himself when he thought it was possible that he had fathered a child with a one night stand and the push for them to have a baby started not long after they got back together and Beth was told everything.

"She has absolutely nothing to do with this at all."  He places a hand on each side of her face and, guiding her to look at him, "Beth, I want to do this with you.  No one but you."

She drops her head and says, "I know, I know."  She turns around and takes his hand and leads him back toward the kids, "Can I tell you something, and it's not to give you false hope but I haven't taken the pill since you flushed them down the toilet."

The look on Jon's face was one that we'll call happiness, but it was hiding a little bit of hope.  "You really never refilled your prescription?"

She shakes her head no, "I thought about the poison that I was putting into my body and decided that it wasn't worth the long term affects."

"So, we're unprotected?" he questions, with a little glint of pleasure in his voice.

"We've been unprotected for a while."  She sits back down on the bench that they were on earlier and she takes his hand, "I had a talk with your mom and she told me that I need to leave it in God's hands.  She doesn't believe that God would do that to us again and that I need to keep my faith."

Jon took all of that in and couldn't help getting irritated, she's made him cry and she's practically made him beg, "Why didn't you tell me that this is what you decided?" a scowl in his brow.

She takes a deep breath and admits, "I just wanted to see what would happen.  I didn't want either of us to have high hopes and I didn't want pressure put on me.  I think we just need to wait and see what happens, will that work?"

He smiles at her, hooks her neck - pulls her to him and kisses her like he had just been told he has one kiss to give, and he gave it all to Beth.  "That's all I want, is a chance.  The opportunity and you not telling me no."

"One day at a time, babe."  Beth smiles at him.

"Let's go get naked." he jokes with her.  He puts his arm around her and sits next to the love of his life while they watch their family play in the yard on a beautiful summer afternoon.