Chapter 71 - I Bet All That I Had On You

 

 

 

Walking to the car wasn't such an easy task for Beth.  She was barefoot, pregnant, soaking wet in a dress that clung to her that was too long without shoes on. 

 

Jon had her hand, guiding her though the cemetery, working their way to the car.  He loved watching her, she was so fluid and graceful - but he knew that she had a long day and night and he wanted to get her home. 

 

They climbed into the car, Beth sat as close to Jon as she could get, she was a little chilled.  He puts his arm around her and draws her close, loving the fact that she wants him close right now.  Her pattern is get away/go away, but this time it's different.  He watches her look out the window as they leave the cemetery.  "I want to bring some flowers back later today, okay."

 

"Today?" he asks, brushing some hair back off her face.  She had it done up so nice for her party, but the rain has ruined that.  "You need some sleep, how about we do it the day after?"

 

"I need to do it today." she says, and it's not open for discussion.  Jon can hear it in her voice.

 

He rests his head on hers and says, "We'll take a nap and then we'll come back.  But you need to rest, you have goose bumps." 

 

"I'm soaking wet and cold." she snuggles in tighter to him.  He helps with the body heat, but he's just as wet as she is. 

 

"If Donatella seen this dress, she'd kick your ass.  You know that, don't you?" he laughs as he pokes her in the arm.  "You looked beautiful tonight, by the way."

 

"I felt beautiful."

 

"How are you feeling now?" he asks her softly, letting himself melt into her a little bit.  It was a short ride home, but he wanted to be close to her.  Their life is taking a turn and right now, he wants every minute with her.  He loves her so much and with that comes taking on her happiness, her passions, her joys, her heartache, her anger, her burdens and her choices as his own.  And he gladly does that, all of it.  To have her in his arms meant more to him than he could ever express.  His love for her goes deeper than any ballad could ever say, deeper than he could ever truly show her.  Their time together is now even more precious, and he intends to spend every minute that he can with her; things are going to change.

 

"Now I feel more beautiful than I ever have.  Tonight was a great night, by my measure.  No one else would agree, but right now, I feel better than I have in a long time." she turns to face him, "I didn't run to the cemetery to make you find me."

 

"I...." she put a finger to his lips and shook her head no. 

 

"When I seen that picture, my heart dropped.  I am not even kidding.  I could feel it hit my feet.  All day yesterday, I felt SO good about the decision to give you the picture, to share it with our family - but when I seen it and it hit me what it meant, I had to be alone.  I had to get away.  Sitting in the back of the Met, I had this feeling come over me, it felt like they were calling me.  THEY were all I could think about."  She takes his hands and holds them, "I needed to be with them."

 

He nods his head, letting her know that he was listening.  "You don't have to explain it babe."

 

"I know I don't have too, I want to." she kisses his hands.  "When you left me in the car to get the kids, I heard a little girl on the street call out to her mother and that's when I went on autopilot.  I had to get to my babies, I had to be where I was mommy."  Jon watches her face light up a little bit and her words came out a little faster.  "As soon as I got to their grave, I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a very long time.  It felt like whatever was weighing so heavy on me was gone."

 

"Weighing on you?" he gives her the crooked look, "What are you talking about?"

 

"Oh geez, everything.  You know how I am, I take on the problems of the world and leave nothing left for myself."

 

"That's you."

 

"I was thinking that I was being selfish, self centered and just a bitch over the last couple of weeks.  With the firm opening, having the kids full time, trying to sell the houses and your apartment, plus running a vineyard, I was thinking that I was being a bad wife (she uses air quotes).  I wanted a gesture that would show you how much I love you and how much your support means to me.  For days, and I mean days, I racked my brain trying to come up with something.  When I decided I was ready to deal with what was in that envelope, that's when it hit me - share with you the sex of our baby.  Maybe doing it with the family wasn't the best idea - either way, it's done."  She takes a deep breath and pauses for a moment, "I needed to know whether we had to buy a crib or another casket.  I had to know.  If you weren't ready honey, I am so sorry."  The tears are filling her eyes, and this time they burn a little bit.  He takes his hands from her and hugs her, pulling her close and squeezing her tight. 

 

"We needed to know what was in that envelope.  It was driving me crazy not knowing, but I had to respect your decision because THAT was your decision to make.  I couldn't be the one to tell you either way what was going to happen"  Beth can see his eyes are tearing up and he's having a hard time talking.  The lump in his throat is almost too big to talk, "I had a dream the other night that you wanted to know what the sex was, after we made had mad love.  I can see it all in such vivid color.  I can smell your perfume, I can taste you.  You asked me to get the envelope that had been on my dresser for days, so I did.  We sat together on the bed, you were so happy and so beautiful, your baby bump was defined.  You started to be silly, back and forth with I don't want to know/Ok I want to know, you finally settled with that you didn't want to see, you wanted me to tell you."  His tears fall as fast as his words come out, that makes Beth cry.  She knows that he needs to let it all out, they have reached a point in their novel that it's now or never.  "I opened the envelope and took the pictures out.  I seen that it was a girl and I must have hidden my reaction because you slapped me on the arm and asked, "Well, tell me it's a boy." he swallows hard, "I can see myself looking up at you and telling you that it was a girl."  He can hardly contain himself now, the dream was so real and to tell her about it was almost as real.  His heart is thumping as he looks at her and sees that she's struggling too.  This time, she moves in and takes him in her arms and she holds him tight. 

 

"Rowan and Spencer were a gift, Jon.  I didn't see that at first because I was so pissed at God and whoever else was in my cross hairs at the time, but lately - with being pregnant I took a step back and looked at what they did to us and for us."  She needed to take a breath now, she's getting worked up and she was doing pretty good.  Jon slides his arms around her waist and the two of them sit there quiet for a moment.  "I can see you in that morgue, holding their tiny bodies in your hands.  You should have seen your face.  You looked at them like they were alive, like we were getting ready to take them home.  You had a warm smile on your face, but I know that you knew they were dead."

 

"It never should have happened." he snaps, starting to feel the same anger that she did. 

 

She leans back, takes his chin in her hand and lifting his face to look at her, "It had to happen.  Imagine what life would be like had it not happened.  All of that lead us up to here.  In the back of this car, at 6am with a driver that has been on duty all night, because I and I mean I, because I was selfish and needed to hang out with the girls."

 

"That's not selfish."

 

"They aren't there Jon.  They're in heaven."  she lets his chin go and kisses his nose.  "I have given this a lot if thought and I believe it to be true - but look at where we were when we lost them.  I was in California and you were here in Jersey.  I was prepared and planned on raising them on my own.  I wasn't coming back to New Jersey -ever.  You crushed me, your ripped my heart out and stomped on it when you told me about Melissa." another deep breath as she notices that they are getting ready to pull into the driveway.  She doesn't let that stop her, "I never wanted to see you again.  And it wasn't because you had sex with another woman, it was because I thought that you thought so little of me that I didn't deserve to know." 

 

The limo pulls into the driveway, letting them out at the front door.  Jon opens the door and follows Beth into the house.  Locking the door behind them, they both head up the stairs.  "I didn't want to tell you about Melissa because to me that was a sign of weakness.  I never want you to see me as weak.  Ever."

 

Beth stops him in the doorway of their bedroom, by grabbing his arm.  "I know that you have your reasons regarding Melissa and it wasn't my intention to drag up the bitter past - I thought it was important to see our life for the real time line that it is." she lets go and they walk into the bedroom. 

 

Jon sits in the chair that's in the corner and kicks off his shoes, stopping to rest his head in his hands.  Beth kneels in front of him, resting her hands on his knees.  "Melissa was during the darkest time of my life that I had ever been through, to that point.  I got drunk, I was mad, I was hurt, I was lonely.  I never meant to hurt you."

 

With her hands on each side of his face, "Baby, I know that."  She stretches to comfort him, "I know that it was a tough time for you, that's all I wanted to say in regards to her.  It was a path that we were on, the road we needed to be on to get to right here.  Right here in this room, pregnant and covered in mud and grass.  This is where we are supposed to be."

 

"Why did the road have to be so bumpy?   Why all the fucking detours and all the road blocks?"  he leans  forward and lets himself fall off the chair onto her.  Together they laid on the floor and continued the conversation that was very hard, but long overdue.  "Tell me why we had to lose the girls for us to be right here?  Why are we the parents that have to 'bury their children'?  We're not supposed to outlive our kids." she watches a tear roll from the corner of his eye, quickly rolling to his ear.  She stops it with her finger, and kisses it. 

 

"Do you know why I told you to kiss everyone's tears?" she asks him.  He slightly shakes his head no.

 

"I kiss your tears because I can't reach the boo boo's inside of you.  Your tears are as close as I can get to what's going on inside." she explains to him, what Brian told her years ago.  That makes Jon smile, never hearing it before it was one of the most beautiful things that he had heard.