Chapter 72 - Live While I'm Alive

He rolls on his side and faces her, his hand rubbing her belly.  "I am so sorry."  He looks into her eyes, "I am so sorry."

 

"Sorry for what?" she covers his hand with hers, "You have nothing to be sorry about."

 

"I wish I could take it all away, go back and change everything.  Go back to the day we met and change the course that we ended up on."

 

"Ya know, I've tried to picture life without you.  I've wondered  where I would be had I never met you, I've wondered what would be different if I never called you when the twins died."  She turns her head to face him, "And after all of that, I can honestly tell you that the only things I would change if I could would be losing my children and what Dalton did to me."

 

Jon doesn't break their gaze, "I have never felt more helpless that I did then.  It killed me knowing there wasn't anything I could do to stop either or to help you."

 

"I know, but I think you're missing what I'm saying.  Those had to happen for us to be here today.  If we didn't lose the twins, I never would have been with you again.  My mind was that set, and as for Dalton, that stripped me of my ego, my arrogance and shed light on a few things that needed to be changed.  It also showed me that we aren't meant to be apart.  We have been through many tragic events and bullshit, but look - here we are.  We made it." 

 

As if on cue, baby Bongiovi knew that mommy and daddy needed something to smile about, so baby started kicking and did a few somersaults.  They both felt it, but neither said a word.  Jon kept his hand in place and enjoyed feeling the movement, feeling the life that was growing in Beth's belly. 

 

He finally broke the silence when he said, "Thank you."  with his hand still on her belly feeling baby move, her leaned over and kissed her. 

 

"What is that for?" she asks, having no idea what he's thanking her for.  She didn't make the baby move. 

 

"You didn't want to get pregnant, remember."

 

"I do.  I remember fighting you about it."

 

"And there were times I was sure that I would lose." he chuckles, picturing her getting pissed off when he threw her birth control in the toilet. 

 

"What's so funny?"

 

"I can see your face when I threw your birth control in the toilet.  You were pissed as hell." he's still laughing about that.

 

"I was pissed as hell.  You weren't the one that was going to make that decision about my body."

 

"And I didn't.  It looks like some higher power wanted you to get pregnant, a higher power than me."

 

"Oh is there such a thing?  A power higher than the one and only Jon Bon Jovi?" she laughs, poking him in the belly.  "I never heard such a thing."

 

"The power higher than me really knows how to knock me down a peg or two, that's for sure."  He looks at her face, starting with her eyes and then working his was to her lips, her chin going all the way to where his hand rested on her belly.  The baby had calmed down and stopped moving, but he wasn't taking his hand away.  No more missed opportunities for him. 

 

Beth stretches, putting her hands up over her head, with a deep yawn.  "Should we go shower?  I want to get to the cemetery before the kids come home."

 

"The kids are with ma, they're fine.  We have all day." he assures her, but he wasn't very reassuring.

 

She sits up, turning her head to look at him, "I'm sure they have questions and concerns.  Or maybe they just want to talk about the baby."

 

"Maybe."

 

"Then we should go get them and bring them home." she draws her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs.  He sits up next to her and kisses her ear.  "This dress is toast."

 

Jon laughs at her expression, "I'm sure Donatella will make you another, if you want."  He stands up and reaches for her hand, "Come on, you need a shower and a nap."

 

"A shower, yes.  A nap, I'm really not all that tired."

 

"Will you at least lay down for a while?"  He helps her stand up.  As soon as she is on her feet, she reaches back and tries to unzip her gown.  She can't get it, so Jon does it for her.  Once it's unzipped and she lets go of it, it falls to the floor, leaving her in just a pair of while lace thong panties.  When Jon sees that, he cracks her on her bare ass cheek. 

 

Jon reaches in and starts the water for them.  Beth stands there looking at herself in the mirror.  She looks like she has seen better days.  Her hair is a mess, her make up is gone and she has grass and dirt dried on her.  Her hands are drawn to her baby bump, she rubs it, watching her hands in the mirror.  Jon comes up behind her and slides his hands in under hers, whispering in her ear, "You are absolutely beautiful."  She looks at him in the mirror and smiles.

 

"I feel like we have been here before, doing this very thing." her smiles slowly fades and her eyes go sad.

 

"We have, and you were just as beautiful then as you are right now." he tells her, burying his face in her messy dirty hair.  "Get in the shower."

 

"Are you joining me?" she leans her head back and rests it on his shoulder.  "I don't want to do anything alone, for a while."

 

"Of course, I'll join you."  she steps away and he strips off his wet and dirty clothes.  They both step into the shower and that's when it hits Beth. 

 

From time to time over the course of their short relationship, Beth wondered and question why he chooses to stay with someone that has the cloud of doom over her head.  Why he chooses to stay with a woman that thinks that the glass is half empty most of the time.  What makes him want to be with her.  Today, in the shower it hit her.  He loves her.  He loves her will all that he has and all that he ever will be.  It's that simple.  He just loves her.  That though overwhelmed her, so much so she started to cry.  He looks down at her and sees that and tells her, "Talk."

 

"I can't.  I'll cry."

 

"So cry." his arms go around her neck and they are so close that they should be one, "Tell me what that look was all about."

 

"It was about you loving me."

 

"What about it." he's not connecting the dots, or making sense of her pattern.

 

"You love me, ME!" she exclaims, with a slight smile.

 

"Okay?"

 

"You picked me."

 

"I think we picked each other, babe."

 

"You don't get it, you could have anyone in the world that you want and you picked me.  The crazy one with a fucked up childhood, a past that's quite boring, a dead ex fiancé and a career that lacks luster.  You picked me."

 

"okay, yeah I guess I did, but I'm very glad and very happy that I did.  And what's even better, you picked me."  he reaches back and pulls all of her hair together in his hand and holds her in place.  "If you believe that we were destined to be here, then we must be destined to get through whatever else come our way."

"I agree.  After Dalton, I thought that our intimacy would be over, but it's better than ever.  After ruining Christmas from being so sick, I was worried that the kids would get upset with me for ruining what seems to be every important day.  I stressed so much and tried to hide it, but I think as of late, everyone is picking up on it."

"I didn't know that you took on all that alone.  I'm hiring you an assistant - so do we want a live in nanny?"

"I don't want to talk about that right now.  I'm just trying to tell you that after everything that we have already been through, you didn't bail in me.  You love for me,  a love that could only have grown."

Beth wraps her arms around his waist and rests her head on his chest.  He rubs her back, and figures now would be a good time to tell her what Peter told him at her party last night.  Still holding her, he starts to tell her, "I talked to Peter last night."

"Yeah?"

"The divorce is almost final, everything is settled.  We're just waiting on the reconciliation period to be over."

"Meaning what?" she says through the water that's running over her face.  "How much time?"

"Six months, tops." 

Beth pulls away and looks up at him.  "You mean we could get married when it's over?"

He nods his head, "If you still want to marry me."

Beth stands there and just looks at him.  The water is bouncing off of him and hitting her in the face, causing her to flinch from time to time, but she could take her eyes off of him.  She heard words that she's waited quite sometime to hear, she's not sure if she's handling what he said right.  "We can get married?"

He smiles and nods his head yes, "If you still want to marry me."

"You still want to marry the gloom of doom?" she whines a little, resting her head on his chest, with his hands on her hips. 

Rubbing her arms he tells her with the utmost of certainty, "I'd marry you today if I could."

She watches water run down his legs and down toward the drain.  She doesn't have the energy to wash, the warm water was sucking the energy out of her.  She's feeling like she hasn't slept days.  But she knows that she has too, so she reaches around him and grabs her loofa.  Once she's put her body wash on it, she starts to wash and so does Jon.  The shower that she wanted to last for days, quickly turned into the shower that she wanted to get over with.  "I need a nap."

"I knew you would."

They showered and cleaned up for the day.  With her towel wrapped around her, she made her way to her side of bed, dropping it - she climbs into bed and pulls the covers over her head.  "Wake me when it's over."

"You need to eat, babe.  What can I get you?" he asks her, picking up the blanket and peeking in at her. 

She smiles, "I want a big fat greasy burger."

"Other than that.  You know what Maria buys.  Salad, fruit, veggies?"

"Ice cream with strawberries."

"Is that all?"

She flips the covers down and says, "A time machine."

"How far back would you go??"  he asks, wondering what she would erase or avoid. 

"I don't even know.  To go back passed the heart ache, there would be so many good times erased.  I just want a normal life.  I want to get the kids to school, go on family vacations, get married and live happily ever after."

"We can do all of that."

"Not easily."

He sits next to her on the bed, brushing the hair off of her face, seeing that she's very tired.  "I'll go get your ice cream and when you're done eating, you need to sleep."

"I know."

Jon goes and gets her a bowl of ice cream and makes himself a sandwich.  With their food and two glasses of milk on the tray, he goes back upstairs.  When he gets there, she's sound asleep, holding one of his pillows.  He sets the food on the cedar chest at the foot of their bed and eats his lunch.  When he's done, he slides into bed behind her and holds her close. 

Their nap was well deserved, long overdue and just what the doctor would have ordered.

Beth woke up after the sun had set and was a little confused with the darkness.  When she sat up and got her bearing, she realized that she didn't get to the cemetery and that upsets her a little bit.  She wanted to go see her babies again.  Jon was next to her, snoring like he was sawing logs.  She sat there and watched him for a few minutes, not sure what to do.

She gets out of bed, uses the bathroom and brushes her teeth.  When she's done she grabs her robe and goes down stairs, to seek a snack.  She's starving, she needs to eat.  Grabbing a bowl that contained what looked like fruit salad, she dove right in.  Fresh fruit and a glass of cold milk hit he spot for Beth.  As she finished, she thought that she would go lay on the couch in the living room and watch some TV, she didn't want to do it in the bedroom, she didn't want to wake Jon.

She finds a movie, lays down and starts to watch it, but her eyelids have different plans.  She quickly dozes off to sleep.