Chapter 96 - Let's Go Back And Find It

 

 

  

“Are you going to stay in here all day?”  Jon whispers to the person that is now the shell of a woman.  “Babe, why don’t you go lay down?”  He sits down on the floor next to her, resting his head on her legs. 


 He found her in the nursery after the coroner left with McKenna’s little body.  He’s been crying and has broken a few things already, but he needs her now and she needs him.

 

“She was fine when I put her to bed.  She was fine when I put her to bed.” Beth says, with tears rolling down her face, “She was fine, Jon.”

 

He rubs her leg and just sits there.  He’s looking at McKenna’s bassinette wondering to himself what happened.  And why.  Why them again?    His crying gets a little harder when Beth reaches out and touches his head.  “You have been in that chair for hours, let’s go lay down.” 

 

Beth is sitting in the Bongiovi family rocking chair, frozen like a statue.  The wood is hard on her body, but she doesn’t care.  It was the last place that she held McKenna alive.

“I’m going to stay right here.” She says, trying to catch her breath.  “What happened?”  She buries her face in her hands and sobs.  He stands up and picks her up from the chair and she fights him. “I want to stay here.” 

 

He stands next to her and places a hand on her shoulder, “I’m here with you as long as you need me.”

 

They both can hear the hustle and bustle that’s going on in the house. Jon’s parents, brothers and Dani are all there.  Dani stayed with them, being too drunk to get home after Beth’s party, the Bongiovi’s came when they were called.  Jon called them as soon as he heard that his daughter was pronounced dead by medical control, stopping all efforts by the paramedics.  The wrappers from the EKG pads are on the nursery floor, along with IV packaging. 

 

“Why did he do it to us again?  What kind of God can let this happen?  Am I so fucking terrible that I can’t even be a mother.  Jon she was fine when I put her to bed.  She was….” She’s now crying so hard that she feels like she needs to vomit.  Her baby, her healthy beautiful baby is gone.

 

“I don’t know why he would do this to us again.” He kneels down next to her and takes her hand, resting his head again on her lap.  She bends over, putting her head on his and cries.  She is running the events of last night through her head and nothing was wrong.  Nothing was different.  McKenna was fine.  She had a warm bath with her mommy and then Beth fed her.  When she laid her in bed, she was on her back.  She was sound asleep and very much alive.

 

Beth and Jon stayed in the nursery until friends and family started to filter in.  When Dani attempted to get Beth and Jon out of the nursery, Beth stopped her before she could get through the door.  “Do not come in here.”  Beth barks at her.

 

“Okayyyy, you have some family down there, as well as Richie and Dave.” Dani tells them.  Jon was a bigger wreck than Beth; he’s now the one that is incoherent and sobbing.  His heart is more than broken into pieces, his heart is now so broken that its powder. 

 

“I’ll be down in a minute.  No one is to come in here.”  Beth replies, easing herself out of the chair.  Jon reaches over and grabs the giant teddy bear that McKenna got from her uncle Matt, laying on the nursery floor; he just lays there and cries. 

 

Beth worked her way down stairs to be greeted by Jon’s mom and dad, Matt, Tony, Richie, David and the kids.  They all can see how devastated she is and they all want to hug her and comfort her, but she doesn’t let everyone comfort her, she hugs the kids as a group and just says, “I’m so sorry.”  Stephanie is about to the point that Jon is at.  She’s a mess.  The boys tend to cry when they see other people cry, but they were sad and wanted their sister back.  Beth ushers the kids into the living room and sits with them on the couch.  She knows that she needs to be the strong one now.  The kids are older this time and explaining it to them will be a little easier, but she wanted to do it alone. 

 

Jesse was first, “What happened?”

 

“Yeah, what happened?” Stephanie asks her.

 

Beth takes a deep breath and wipes her tears on her sleeve, “They think that she had what is called SIDS, sudden infant death syndrome.  It happens and they don’t know why.”

 

“So we don’t know how she died?” Stephanie asks, with question and anger in her voice.

 

“We will know.  They are going to do an autopsy and find out.”  Beth tells them.  Autopsy is a word that Jess and Steph knew and understood, but Jake needed it explained and Beth explains it the best she could. 

 

“Will she be with Rowan and Spencer?” Jesse asks Beth, “So we can go see her like we do them?”

 

“Yeah.” Beth says nodding her head, with a heartbroken smile on her face.  “They will be together.”

 

“How’s my dad?”  Romeo asks Beth, with tears rolling down his cheeks, “Is he okay?”

 

“Your dad is pretty upset, you can go up and see him if you want.”  Beth tells him, knowing that that is exactly what he wants to do.  Without hesitation, Romeo gets to his feet and runs as fast as he can to his daddy. 

 

Stephanie sits next to Beth and just cries.  Jesse and Jake are a little lost, “You guys can go see dad too.” 

“I think I’d like to go to my room, is that okay?”  Jesse asks Beth, not wanting to leave her, since dad wasn’t with her.

 

“That’s fine, Jess.” He gets up and hugs her, making her cry just a little harder.  He then goes to his room.  He’s a lot like Beth, in certain times of life he just wants to be alone. 

 

Stephanie gets up, “I’m going to be with grandma.”

 

She leaves Jake and beth alone.  Jacob can't stand it anymore.  He might be 10 years old, but he needs a hug.  He gets up and jumps on Beth’s lap.  She wraps her arms around him and holds him tight.  He finally let go and let himself cry, she sat there crying with him, planning to hold him as long as he needed her.

 

Upstairs, Romeo walks into the nursery and sees his dad in a way he’s never seen him before.  Jon is laying on the nursery floor the upper part of his body lying on an oversized teddy bear.  “Hi dad.”  Jon looks up and holds out an arm for Romeo.  Romeo runs to his dad and dives into the spot that his daddy made for him.

 

“Hey, bud.”  Jon holds his son, burying his face in his hair.  He cries as he holds the most precious gift in his life, a child.  Romeo lays there with his dad and lets him cry.  When Rowan and Spencer died, Romeo was a bit younger and didn’t really understand it all.  This time he had a better idea, as all 4 kids watched their little sister be taken from the house.

 

“Are you going to be okay, dad?” His 8 year old son asks him.

 

Holding him a little tighter, holding back his sobs he tells his son the truth, “It’s going to take some time, but yeah, I’ll be okay.”

 

“I love you daddy!”  Romeo wraps his arms around a man that he thought was as equal to Superman as a dad could get.  To Romeo, Jon is Superman.  Jon holds his son and cries.

 

Beth had all the phones unplugged in the house and had all the windows covered so the telephoto lenses couldn’t see in where the valances didn’t meet the drapes.  She didn’t want any more intrusions in their lives than they have already had to deal with. 

 

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McKenna’s service is planned and Dani informs the family and the few close friends that they want there.  They will have a visitation at the house and then take her to the cemetery, the same way they took the twins.  Beth has one day to prepare herself before McKenna comes home for her final goodbye.

 

The autopsy revealed nothing remarkable; her death is ruled ‘unexplained.’  When she gets the coroner’s report, she loses it.  “What do you mean it’s unexplained?” she reads out loud in the kitchen.  She’s the only one home, but Dani is with her, has been with her since her birthday. 

 

Dani has been her best line of defense since McKenna died.  The stories surrounding her death get crazier by the day.  Dani has taken it so far as to get the newspaper before Jon does so neither can read the garbage that’s being said.  The last one read, Mother of three: Mother of none, with a picture of Beth crying. 

 

Jon had to get out of the house, so he took the kids to his parent’s house for a little while and then he was going to take a drive down the shore.  He needed to be alone with his thoughts and clear his head.  The last time he drove his car was when he and McKenna went into the city for her mother’s birthday. 

 

With all 4 kids, he drove to Hazlet, with the car seat still buckled in the car.  No one is taking it out but him, and he’s not ready. 

 

There aren’t words that can explain what he feels right now, and no one has asked.  Beth didn’t need too; she could see the remains of what’s left of him.  She knows how he feels.  She’s been there and is back there again.

 

“Relax, we can call the coroner on Monday and ask for an explanation.”  Dani says, trying to calm her friend down.

 

“Don’t tell me to relax, I don’t want to relax, I can’t fucking relax.” She let it out.  “You’ve been here, and you tell me to relax?  Did you relax when your baby died for no reason?”  Beth is sick and tired of people telling her what to do and how to feel.  She’s going to feel what she feels.

 

“I don’t want to upset you; I’m just trying to help.”

 

Beth doesn’t need help or want help right now.  She wants to be alone too.  For the last few days someone has been there, and she knows that everyone means well, but it’s her time now.  Jon is gone dealing with what he needs to deal with and she needs to get ready to bury baby number three.  She thinks about it and gets angry, “Ya know what Dani, just go home.  You’ve been here long enough.  I need some time to myself.”

 

Dani thinks that she has her place pretty well figured out with the Bongiovi’s, “Ya know what, fuck you Beth.”  She grabs her purse for the table and storms out of the house.  She needed to leave as much as Beth needed her to leave.   Beth is left standing there dumbfounded and feeling like an ass.  She just went off on one of the few people that she 'let in.'