Chapter 81 - Do You Ever Think About Me?

"I gotta go!'  Beth says, digging through her purse for money to pay the check.

.

Dani looks at her, "Is Jon pissed?" 

"Yeah, I have to get home." as she still digs through her purse.  "Damn it, I have no cash."  She pulls out a credit card and gets the waitress' attention.

Dani asks, "What's he pissed about?"

"That I have been gone so long.  Are you good, ready to leave?"  Beth asks her, hoping that Dani was finished and ready to leave.   As Beth sees the waitress heading back to the table with her credit card, she stands up and gets ready to sign the receipt.  She signs it and out the door they go.  

Back in Beth's car she tells Dani, "I'm really sorry.  Something is bothering him and I need to take care of it."

"Beth, that's fine.  We can girl talk another time."

"I just feel like such an ass, I am so sorry."  Beth looks at her and gives her a trust me, something is wrong smile.  "Come over tomorrow and we can do coffee."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah.  It'll be fine."  Beth assures her friend, "He'll be gone most of the day."

In the driveway, Beth hugs her friend goodbye and watches her pull out of the driveway.  Once she knows that she's gone she goes in the house to talk to Jon.  She kicks off her shoes at the doorway and sets her purse on the foyer table.  She can hear music coming from the back of the house. that is the direction that she needed to go.  As she walked through the house, she looked in the rooms that she passed and didn't see Jon.  She figures out that he's in their office.  As she rounded the corner to enter the office, she was very surprised to not see him in there. 

She walked over to the stereo and turned the music off, listening for maybe another clue of where he might be.  She walks back through the house and heads up to the master bedroom.  She can tell that he's showered, she can smell his body wash.  When she walks into the master suite and he isn't there either.  Puzzled by this, she looks in the last place that he could be; the studio.  When she gets out there, she can tell it had been a while since he was in there.  The alarm was set, he must have finished the song he was working on.

Back in the house, puzzled, she digs her cell phone out of her purse and calls him.  It goes right to voicemail, telling her that he has it off.  She's quickly going from puzzled to pissed and worried.  She quickly types up a text that he's get as soon as he turns his phone back on. 

 I'm home now, I'm sorry that I upset you.  Let me know where you are, I'll come to you.  I love you. ~B

She takes her phone with her and heads back to the office.  That must have been the last place that he was, but she can't figure out why he would leave the stereo and lights on.  That is so not Jon.  He tried to save pennies in anyway that he could.  She sat at his desk and skimmed the paperwork that was there, nothing jumped out at her.  She could see that he had blue prints for a homeless shelter on the desktop, there were a few bills that he took care of himself and she could see the top of a paper that had a docket number on it and it was a case regarding Bongiovi v. Bongiovi.  She pulls it out and looks at it.  It's just more bullshit that Dorothea is using to prolong the inevitable.  She doesn't give it another thought.  

She sits in his chair, wondering and waiting.  

Looking at her phone, she can see that he hasn't read her text message yet.  Where the hell are you at?  She spins in the chair and that's when it hit her.  There is a picture of the twins on his desk, he's at the cemetery.  

Grabbing her phone off the desk, she runs out of the office, all the way back through the house, grabs her purse and gets in her car and drives to the cemetery.

As she pulls in and makes her way back to the Bongiovi plot, she can see his black Cadillac parked by the girls' grave.  Slowly pulling up behind it, she can see Jon sitting there.  He hears the car and looks over his shoulder, knowing Beth's car anywhere.  He's pleased that she found him.

"Hey." she says, walking up to him, putting her hand on his head.  She's standing next to him, as soon as he feels her touch, his arm goes around her leg.  "Babe, are you okay?"

"No."

She tries to sit down, it's hard with him holding her leg.  "Can I sit next to you?"  

He releases her leg and she sits down, facing him.  "What's going on?"  She can see that he's been crying, she can see that he is still upset.  "Talk to me babe."

With a long stare, Jon finally opens his mouth and asks her, "How much do you think I can take?  My shoulders are wide, but my burdens are bigger than me.  I can't hold them all on my own."

"I don't understand."

"Why would you?  You have me, my family, your friends and now you have Dani.  Who can I talk to?  Who DO I talk to."

"Jon, you have me, the same friends and family that I do.  What are you talking about?" she reaches up and brushes the side of his face.  He pulls away.

"I always have to be at the ready to take care of you or deal with your moods.  I always have to make sure that the crazy level in our life is at a minimum.  I ALWAYS CLEAN UP THE MESSES."

Beth is speechless.  She doesn't know what's going on.  "Is this because I was with Dani too long?"

"NO."

"Then what's going on?"

"Do you know that the baby that you're carrying is mine too?"

"Jon.  YES." she answers, feeling a little pissed, that sounded accusatory to her at first.

"Then when do I get comfort from you over the fact that we may lose her?"

"Whenever you need it, like always."

Jon is getting even more upset, she's got her blinders on right now.  "We found out that we were having a girl 2 days ago, since we found that out - we haven't discussed it, I haven't talked to anyone about it.  I need to talk Beth."

"Talk.' she snaps at him, "How can I know that you need to talk, if you don't talk?"

"We've been together long enough, you should be able to read me a little better, Beth." he snaps back at her.  "I expect you to know when I need you."

"I'm listening, go ahead, please talk."

"Do you have any idea how many times I came here after you left me?"  She can hear the lump in his is slowly growing, "They were the only ones that I could tell anything to once you left."

"Jon..."

"I'm not done."  he holds up his hand to stop her from talking.  "Since we met, I have always put you, your feelings, your thoughts and your dreams and passions before my own - leaving me to often feel used and over looked.  I can't take it anymore."

"Do you want to tell me what's really going on here?  Is it Dani?" she can only think that she is what brought this on.

"Maybe, maybe not.  When you were gone for 5 hours and told me I was being needy, that's when it clicked.  For the last couple of days, I have sat back and watched you go through the emotions that went along with finding out that we are having a girl.  I assumed on our first night, without the kids that you would be there for me to finally dump all my feeling on you, since I now carry yours."  He stands up and holds her, "It's my turn babe.  I need you to listen to me, whether you want to or not."  He kisses her forehead and continues, "I am so happy that you have found a friend that you share such a bond with, I really am - I just ask that you don't forget about me."

She slides her hand around his waist and hugs him, he head resting on his chest, "I know that I got caught up in the moment when I found someone that has gone through what we have, kind of.  I'm sorry that you feel that I forgot about you or that you maybe forgot that you had feelings.  I love you and want you to feel nothing but happiness.  I'm sorry that I am so selfish, but honey - it felt great to talk with a woman about it."

"Beth, I get that.  And as I sat here tonight, there is someone that I can talk to.  I might go pay him a visit and hang out for a couple of days."

"Oh yeah?" she smiles, "Who?"

"Paul.  I think I'm going to take a day or two and go see him in Texas." Jon kisses her forehead, "He lost a daughter too and I know that our situations are different, but we both share a huge loss.  It can't hurt, right." 

"No, do you want me to go with you?"

"No, you stay here and hang with Dani.  I'll go hang with Paul and we can meet back here in a couple of days.  I think it will do us some good."

Beth's eyes are tearing up, she can't believe that he's wanting to leave her.  He never leaves her, but maybe the shoe on the other fit will be the wake up call that she needed.  "I don't want to be without you." she admits, as she cries into his chest.

"I need to do something.  I shouldn't get mad at you because you're hanging out with Dani, I should be encouraging it.  Babe, I need you to heal and feel better, but so do I."

"When are you leaving?"

"Chris will be picking me up at the exec airport at noon."  Beth is shocked that he has it already planned.  He is really pissed or very hurt.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me Jon.  You know I love you and want nothing more than to move forward with you, but do you think you going away is the best way to handle this?"

"I reached out for you and you weren't there, you called me needy.  I am not a needy man, I am a man with large shoulders that has taken on your burden and your anguish, while burying mine deep inside.  I can't keep it here anymore." he walks away from her, "I need a few days to work on me."

He got in his car and drove home, he didn't even kiss her goodbye.  She stood there and cried, feeling like he had just dumped her and left her in a cemetery to deal with the bomb he just dropped.  

The longer she stayed there, the less it hurt.  When she thought about what he said, rationally - she kind of understood.  Telling the girls Until Next Time, she leaves and drives back home.  

Jon is already in bed and his bag is packed at the door.  She sees that and that hurts, but she trusts him.  What he says he needs, and what he says that he's going to do - she knows that it's all truth.

.Upstairs she could see him lying in bed, with the remote in his hand.  As she got closer, she could see that he was sound asleep.  She takes the remote from his hand and turns the TV off. 

 She goes in the bathroom and brushes her teeth and slips into her pajamas.  Slowly and quietly, she climbs into bed with Jon, holding her breath.  She doesn’t want to wake him.  She is in no mood to argue, and in even less of a mood to apologize anymore.  She turns on her side and faces him.  

There is enough light cascading in from the full moon that she can see his face.  Her eyes are fixed on the cute little mole on his right cheek, next to his nose. That makes her think about the girls.  She can feel a tear rolling out of the corner of her eye, onto her pillow.  Her thoughts then go all over the place.  She knows that he’ll be gone tomorrow.  She’ll talk with him when he gets back home .  

Beth is woken by the sound of that damn awful sounding doorbell.  She sits up pissed off.  She looks around and Jon is nowhere in sight.  The doorbell rings again.  Smashing her fist into the bed, she gets up, puts her robe on and then walks down stairs.  

When she opens the door, before she can see who it is, she snaps, “This better be good!”  And she sees that it’s Dani.  “Oh, I’m sorry.  Good Morning, come in.”  She stands back and lets Dani enter the house.

“I've been trying to call you.  What’s wrong?” Dani asks her, concerned that she didn't answer any of her calls.

“I was sleeping, nothing is wrong.”  Beth looks at her a little puzzled.  “Why were you calling?”

The two walk toward the kitchen, Beth needed coffee even if it had to be decaf.  Dani takes a seat at the island, “I seen that Jon is going to be in Philly with Dorothea, what the hell is going on?  Did he leave you last night?”  Dani is genuinely concerned for her friend.

Beth yawns and stretches, “No he didn't leave me.  Why would you think that?”

“Well he was pissed at you last night and today he’s going to Philly with his ex wife, that struck me as odd.”

“He’s going to Philly to break ground on the homeless shelter that they are building.”  Beth can't let on that she is totally in the dark on this.

“Jon and Dorothea are building a homeless shelter together?” Dani asks with suspicion.  “Do you not find that odd, Beth?”

Beth sips her coffee, as she silently thanks the Keurig Gods, and says, “It’s all good.  They do things like that often.”

“You let them be together.  Alone?”  Beth can see the look of surprise on her face, but she doesn't understand it.

Beth sits next to her, wrapping her robe a little tighter, Jon likes the house cool in the middle of the summer.  And most of Beth’s bed clothes aren't very warm.  “I trust Jon, Dani.”  She states, hoping that she made it clear to Dani.

“There is no way I’d let that happen. If you ask me, you’re asking for trouble.”  Dani gets up and helps herself to another cup of coffee.  “But, it’s your life.”

Beth just laughs.  She’s thinking that her life is everyone else’s, ownership is a feeling she gave up a long time ago.  “Again, I trust him.  He would never do anything to hurt me.”  Beth says, with conviction.

With fresh coffee in their hands, they head out back to the patio.  Beth wanted to feel the sun on her face and the grass between her toes.  They sit and start to talk when Dani asks an odd question, “How did he handle your daughters dying?”

Beth looks at her, “What?”

“How did he act when your babies died?” she repeats herself.

“He was devastated, like anyone else would be.  Why?”

Dani kicks her feet up on the chair opposite of her and says, “I picture him to be closed off or withdraw, he didn't act like that?”

“Oh no, just the opposite.”

“Is the story about their passing true?” Dani is digging and Beth is okay with it, so far.

Beth takes her robe off, the morning sun was warming up quick.  She had a tank top and boy shorts on so she was okay to sit there, “Depends on what story you’re referring to.”

“I think it was TMZ that reported that you were in LA and he was here when they died.”

“Mmhhh, that’s true.  Well, I was there and he was here when I found out that they were dead.  When they died exactly, we don’t know.”

“What did the autopsy show?”

“Don’t know, we didn't have one.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  We didn't want our babies cut up.  They took blood for testing, but we didn't let them use our babies for a learning tool.” Beth tells her, 100% standing on her conviction.  “They had been through enough.”

“Maybe they could have helped you with this one?” Dani kind of snaps at Beth. 

“I guess we’ll never know.” She says to Dani, in her heart she knows that wouldn't have happened.  They would still be in the dark as to what happened and why Beth’s body treats girl fetuses like they are a foreign invader. 

“Wow.  I demanded one for McKenna.  The asshole her in Monmouth County didn't want to do it because she was a SIDS baby, but I demanded it.”

“And I assume they didn't find anything?”  Dani shakes her head no, with a little bit of a cocky look on her face.  

“Do you ever think that you’ll have more?”  Beth asks her, wondering if she was frightened to do it again, just like she was.

“I thought about it, but at my age and in this stage of my life, I can’t fathom how tough it would be.”

“Would you be afraid of SIDS again?”

“I don’t know.  Lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice, does it?”

Beth looked at her and said the first thing that came to mind, “I’m counting on that.  We were struck twice already” she rubs her belly, “Three times would be more than unbearable.”

The girls sit outside for the better part of the morning, talking and laughing.  It was easy for Beth to open up and talk with Dani.  It has been a while since she has had a girlfriend to vent to, laugh with and get mad at.  Jon has pretty much been her only sounding board. 

Lunch time rolls around and the girls are interrupted by Maria.  She goes out onto the patio and says hello to the ladies.  Beth gets up and hugs her hello, “How are you doing?” she asks the family ‘keeper of all things important, do-er of all deeds.

“I’m good, how are you?” Maria replies.

“Great.  Maria, this is my good friend Dani, Dani this is Maria.  Maria is the grease that keeps this machine running like a fabulous machine.”

“Nice to meet you Maria.”  Dani says as she stands to shake Maria’s hand.  “So you’re the one that keeps this place so beautiful?”

“Oh no, Beth does that.  I do the things that she can’t.”  Maria laughs, poking fun at Beth, “I do all the cooking.”

“You do not.”  Beth jumps in, defending herself because that was false.  Beth can cook the easy stuff.

Maria admits, “I cook the big meals and there are times when I prepare meals for later times.”

“She does so much more than that.”  Beth interjects, wanting Dani to be well informed of the going’s on in the Adams-Bongiovi household.

“Are you girls hungry?”  Maria asks them.

Beth nods her head yes and Dani says, “I could eat, maybe something light.”

Maria thinks for a moment, “I’ll make you ladies a chicken salad on fresh romaine.  How does that sound?”

Beth and Dani agree that it sounded delicious, and Maria disappeared into the house.  

Beth asks Dani for the time, having no watch on or her phone with her.  Dani tells her, “It’s almost 1 o’clock.”

“I’m going to run up and take a quick shower, do you mind?”

“No, go ahead.  I’ll sit here and soak up the sun, it’s gorgeous out here.”

“Okay, I’ll hurry.  If you need anything, Maria is in the kitchen and she knows where everything is.  I’ll be right back.”  And Beth runs in the house to take a quick shower.  While she does, Dani sits in the sun, playing on her phone and Maria makes their lunch.  Once Beth is dressed and re-ready to face the day, she hops down the stairs with her phone in her hand. 

At the bottom of the stairs, she takes a look at it.  She missed a text from Jon.  And she sees all the missed calls from Dani.  She stops at the bottom of the stairs and opens the text, I’m off to Texas, I'll see you in a few days.