Chapter 73 - God Couldn't Give You What You Need

 

 

 

 

 

Half awake, half asleep Beth is startled by someone touching her head.  She's startled when Jon kisses her on the head, "I brought you some coffee."

 

Beth rolls over and faces him, "Mmm, thank you.  Is it decaf?"

 

"Of course.  What are you doing down here?"  he hands her her coffee after she sits up. 

 

She pulls the afghan up over her legs, "I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep."

 

"So, why are you down here?"

 

Sipping her coffee she says, "I wanted to watch TV and I didn't want to wake you, so I came in here.  How long have you been up?"  Beth looks at the cable box and sees that it's 6:30 am.

 

"I've only been up long enough to make coffee."  he sits next to her on the couch and she stretches her legs out on his lap.  "I slept like the dead."  He runs a hand through his hand.

 

"I think I did too, except when I came down here.  Did you check messages by chance?" she asks him, knowing that there would be communication that they need to respond to.  She left her own party in a hurry, with no explanation to anyone really. 

 

"No, not yet.  I'm not really worried about that." he tells her, realizing that he never gave it a thought.  He seen that she was gone when he woke and had to go find her.  Once her seen her sleeping on the couch, he made the coffee and then woke her up.

 

They sit there and look out at the river and the wildlife that's running around.  The squirrels are busily preparing for winter and the birds are flying from limb to limb, fluttering around like they belonged there.  The sun was bright and beautiful and Beth made a mental note that it was beautiful outside, she needs to get out in it today.

 

"Our friends and family deserve an explanation." he starts to rub her legs with his free hand, sipping his non decaf with his other.

 

"I know, but can't we have today just for us?" he looks to her, not wanting to let the outside world in just yet.  "Just me and you?"

 

"What about the kids?" she's concerned that he isn't ready for them to come home yet.  "If anyone deserves an explanation, it's them."

 

"I have no doubt that my mom took care of all of that already.  Plus, Stephanie and Jesse know what's going on.  They're pretty smart kids."

 

"True.  I just don't want them to feel like they are less important, like the baby is priority."

 

"Well, the baby kind of is, right now."

 

"No, not really.  They all are equal priority, I'd like to have them home today." Beth tells him, and he can see that she really means it, but he can't agree to it.

 

"We will go get them tomorrow.  I want you to myself today, Beth."

 

"Beth?  You're using my name, I guess you mean business."  She raises a leg and puts it behind his head, pulling him toward her.  Without spilling his coffee, he follows the direction she is pulling him and lays between her legs.  "What's going on with you Mr. Bon Jovi?"  She runs her fingers through his hair, "Are you okay?"

 

"No, I'm not." he admits, hating to show her weakness.  "There is nothing okay with me today."

 

"Talk to me, babe."  She reaches over and sets her coffee on the coffee table, giving him her undivided attention.

 

"I am so confused." he tells her, sitting up to look at her.  "I don't know what to do or how to act."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Well, we're pregnant with another girl, what do we do?"

 

"We do what any other pregnant couple does.  We prepare for a baby." she explains, knowing what he was getting at, but she didn't want to say it either.  "Even though the odds are against us with her being viable, we prepare for her."

 

"How can I be happy about it, with the thought that we may lose her?" Beth can see that he's really struggling, not any less than she is - she's just developed the coping skill a little quicker than he did. 

 

Beth sits up and leans into Jon, resting her head on his shoulder, "What if she is viable and I carry her to term.  We're four months away from having a baby.  Do you want to miss out on the next four months being worried about it?"

 

"Can you tell me that you're not worried?"

 

"Thinking about it makes me want to vomit, her heartbeat is strong and she's right on schedule.  She looks great and she's very active." Beth looks at him, "And the thought is there in the back of my mind that she could die at anytime."

 

"I'm not doing good with that thought." he admits, "I'm scared, babe."  Wrapping his arms around her, she can feel his heart race.  She knows him well enough to know that he's going to cry, and that's going to make her cry.

 

"Hey" she cuddles in closer, "I'm scared too, hell, I'm terrified - BUT, I am NOT going to sit here and let life pass us by on a 50/50.  I'm getting on with life as if she's due in four months and we are getting ready for her."

 

"How can you have such a positive attitude about it?  How can you seem so calm?"

 

"You don't want me to do anything other than what I'm doing.  If I let myself think the worst, I will go crazy.  You would have to put me in a hospital and have me sedated until it's over, either way." she confesses, "I am prepared for the worst and hoping and striving for the best."

 

"How do you do it?" again, he's amazed at her strength and her dedication to him and their family, even though at any moment their lives could quickly be turned upside down and inside out.  "How can you keep it all together?"

 

"We've been here before Jon.  We had a four day nightmare that we went through.  From the time we found out that they were gone until the day they were taken out, that's the way I feel right now.  Like I did then.  But it's a little different, I know in my heart that she's alive and I pray with all that I have that we can welcome her into the world alive."  her words sounded cold, even to her, but Beth never beat around the bush.  She calls it like she sees it and knows that there is a good chance that she was going to have to bury another baby.  "We are NOT living life thinking that we're going to lose them.  That's not fair to her and to act that way isn't fair to us or the rest of the family."

 

"I don't think I can handle another loss, losing another child.  I am tapped out by this, I am on the edge of losing my own mind."

 

"You need to stay busy.  Keep your mind busy, we will get through it.  Together."  She gets on her knees and faces him, "You know that with what we have, the love we share and with the family that we have - we will get through either scenario."  She kisses him, "You sing about it all the time, we gotta keep the faith, we gotta hold onto what we got."  She kisses him again and stands up. 

 

Looking up at her, "My songs appeal to and help the masses, do you really think I listen to what I sing, what I preach?"

 

"I'm not going to live like this Jon.  We need to get on with life and hope for the best.  Ya know, if you want, I could go climb into bed and not get out until she's born.  Either naturally or surgically.  I could go wallow in self pity and wait for her to die, but I'm not and neither are you."  She reaches out for his hand, he takes hers, "We have children to go pick up."  They start to walk out of the living room when she stops, looking back at him, "Let's go for a run."

 

"A run?"

 

"Yes, a run." she laughs at him.  "We run all the time."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"Yes, Jon.  I want to go for a run."

 

He stands there and gives her a look.  What he's thinking is, you just found out it's a girl and you want to go running?  "Are you sure?"

 

"Jon, nothing has changed, except our knowledge.  I can still run."  He gives her a look and she can see what he's thinking.  "Running won't change the way by body reacts to the baby."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yes, come on, I could use a nice long run."

 

"Babe....."

 

"I'll go without you." she starts to walk away from him. 

 

He grabs her arm, stopping her, "Will you please stop acting like this?"

 

"Acting like what?"

 

"Like nothing is going to happen." 

 

She turns to face him, they are now eye to eye, "There isn't anything that I can or will do that can prevent what may happen.  When my body decides that it's allergic to her, it will do what it does.  There is no cure, there is no treatment - you know that.  Doctor after doctor told us that there is nothing we can do."  Her hands go to his face and she smiles, "If I was carrying a boy, I would still want to go for a run.  Let's go, I need to go."

 

He looks at her and smiles, again amazed by her attitude and her desire to get on with life.  "How about we just go around the block?"

 

"Twice?"

 

"No, once.  And then we'll go to the cemetery."  winking at her, he knows that will win this 'fight'.

 

"Deal.  Once around the golf course block and then we go see the girls again.  I think I left my clutch there."

 

"Your clutch is upstairs, I grabbed it off the table."

 

They get ready and go for their run, having no contact with the outside world until they get home.  And the contact that happened when they got home was all that was needed to set Jon off.