Chapter 22 - Thorn In My Side

 

 

Jon reaches over her and turns the water off.  With his hand still on her back, he reaches out and grabs a towel.  He wraps the fluffy towel around her and says, "Come on." And he leads her out of the shower, into the master suite.  She's teary, but not in a full blown cry.

"The doctor said that might happen." She mumbles to him as they walk out.  "I'm so sorry, honey."  

"Sorry? You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"Jon, I just puked in the shower." 

"Best in the shower, if anywhere." He kisses her head.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Puking?" She kind of laughs.

 

"Come on.....be serious.  Do you want to talk about it?  How you're feeling, what you're thinking?"

 

She takes the towel that's draped over her shoulders and starts to dry her hair, "I think I've been doing good.  The shrink has helped me quite a bit. And she warned me that things like this would happen."  She gets up to get pajama's, "You know what I want, Jon?"

 

"Name it." he tells her, as he walks toward the bathroom to get a towel for himself.  "I'll do whatever you need to me to do."

 

"I want to talk about Melissa." she's looking at him, wanting to see the look on his face.

 

He towel dries his hair and says, "That quite random, but okay.  Let's talk about Melissa."

 

"Have you seen her or talked to her?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you think about her?"

 

"Only when you make me.  She meant nothing to me, babe.  I have no reason to think about her."

 

He grabs boxers out of his drawer and slips them on.   She grabs some boy shorts and a t shirt and puts them on.  They meet back on the bed. 

 

"What attracted you to her?" she has to know, she's wanted to know all this time but was truthfully afraid of the answer.  She feared that he may have found her prettier, sexier and more of a mental equal, but his response shocked her.

 

"She was there and I was tipsy.  That's what made her attractive." he's honest.

 

"And you don't think about her and the time you shared?"

 

"No, wait - there are a few times when I think of the pregnancy scare; but other than that she's a very distant memory."

 

They climb into bed and Beth grabs her book.  Opening it, she says, "I think about her a lot.  I don't know why, I can't explain it."

 

"Babe, she is in the way passed."

 

"I know.  Did she really fill the void and make you feel better?"

 

"No, she made me forget and that's what I needed."

Beth puts her book in her laps and looks at him.  "Is there still a void?"  She reaches over and puts her hand on his leg. 

He says, "No."  But takes a moment to think about her question.  "Ya know babe, there is a void when I think about it."

"Really?" she gives him all of her attention.  "In what way?" 

He sticks his left hand behind his head and grabs her hand with his right hand.  "I watch you with the kids and I really think we need to have a baby."

"Jon."

"Do you see the way that you are with them?  You love and adore them and do everything that you can for them.  Beth, you're a great mother.  I really think we need to talk about this."

"We'll talk about it.  Just not now, okay?"

"When then, if not now?"

She takes her hand away from his, placing her book on her nightstand.  She turns off her bedside light and snuggles into bed.  "Maybe when I don't feel like puking anymore."

He didn't mean to come off as insensitive and he doesn't let her go to bed upset, "I know that your question about Melissa was triggered by Dalton, babe I get that, don't shut me out now."

She rolls onto her back and replies, "I'm not shutting you out, Jon.  Can we please just enjoy the family that we have now while we're dealing with the Dalton issue?"

"What do you mean dealing with?"

"We were in the shower about to have sex and your words triggered a reaction, a memory.   Here we are, now in bed and I'll bet that making love to me never entered your mind since the shower."

"You're wrong."

"Am I?"

Jon sits up and turns to face her, "Beth, I always want to make love to you.  Tonight is no different.  You reaction caused me to pause and put your needs in front of my wants."

She sits up, "Why does it feel like your 100 miles away?"

"Because you are."

"I want to know how long he's going to fuck up our lives."  She leans over and rests her head on his lap.  "We were doing so good."

He raises her head, by her chin so she looks at him in the eye, "This is a minor bump in the road.  We have been over worse and survived."

"It just feels like the memories pop up when they are the least expected and ruin the best of moments."

Jon grabs her and holds her, "We need to take that power back, but we're not going to do it over night."

"I know."

"And as far as I'm concerned, you are doing so well and I'm proud of how you've handled it and everything that comes with it." he kisses her head.  "You are remarkable Beth Ann."

"I should have been an actress."

Jon knows what she means.  He knows that there have been times that she's put on the happy face, he knows that she pretends to be brave when at times she just wants to crawl into bed and hide.  "I'd give you the academy award." kissing her again, he adds, "I know you put on your happy face and try to pretend that you're okay, but I can see through it."

"I think its a time thing.  Like in time, it will get better.  I just don't have time to wait for time."

"We'll get through it."

"I know."  she says as she lays down, with her hands in prayer under her head.  "I know it's will get better and we'll get through it.  Thank you for staying at my side."

"There's no place I would rather be."

"I worry that it might be too much for you and that you might look for someone a little simpler and someone without all of the emotional baggage."

"Are you kidding me?"

"NO.  That's why I asked about Melissa.  Was she a simpler time and person?"

"Beth, that's ridiculous."

"Is it?  To worry that you might be looking for an easier life?"

He lays down on his side, facing her.  He takes a finger and runs it down the contour of her face, "I can't imagine life without you."

"Ever?"

He smiles, "As crazy as you have driven me and as crazy as you still drive me, baby, I wouldn't trade you for anything."

She takes his hand and tucks it under her chin, "What about all of the baggage."

"A lot of your baggage is because of and with me.  You didn't bring it to me." he laughs a little, "And if you had, I'd still want to be with you."